During the past few I was keenly waiting for writing article
for the blog. But I didn’t find time due to my busy schedule. Somehow since
today is a holiday I took my chance to write what I feel. I am pretty much
messed up these days. One reason is not having anyone to talk about how I feel
or maybe due to the fact that my sister tries so hard to convince me that I am
not a valuable person for this world. I feel unloved and destroyed. Just don’t
know how to fix it.
I am a person who fought with my life on my own.... When my
parents ditched me saying that I have no value for them to invest in I had to
struggle so hard to stand up on my feet…. And on the way I lost of lot of
things like the capability to feel happiness.... I just don’t know what the use
of my life is now…. The job…. The degree…. The money.... Nothing gives us
happiness as the feeling of love and care that you can get by someone. It may
be the fact that I am a opportunity avoider who never takes the chance to do stuff….
I was described as a avoidant personality by professionals…. well that
means I wait up until the last moment in
my life to do something because I have a fear of losing or failing… it maybe
the fact that I am waiting for someone else’s assurance to start doing
something.
I am trying my best to deal with this situation. This post
is about how I am going to deal with this situation and go further in a strong
manner. Well I am alone.... Lonely I guess is the correct word…. I have my
parents and my sister as a family but I don’t feel them like a family because
of what I have experienced with them there is enough to think like that. I
tried hanging out with friends…. but now friends seem like having their own
things which really matter to them rather than hanging out with me.... I am
organizing parties on my own by my own pocket but no one bother to come along
because when one person agrees another disagrees…. I mean this can be the way
of life and I am only a one person who is thinking about it too much…. But I
think damn way too much.... I need love from someone from a person who cares
and bothers to listen to me and tell me that I am ok and I can be better in the
future…. It feels so pathetic the way I live my life.. I am sad 24/7 and have
no idea what the hell I am going to do in the future rather than my career. I
don’t want to be a CEO who hates his life and who works 24/7 because he doesn’t
have any other thing to do…. No one wants that… But I see myself becoming that
each day and I am so damn angry and scared of it…
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